


feels like a lifetime (just trying to get by)

by bluepinstripes



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Drabble, F/M, How Do I Tag, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Quentin Beck Being a Jerk, Spideychelle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23997103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluepinstripes/pseuds/bluepinstripes
Summary: It's been a little over one year since Quentin Beck outed Peter Parker to all of New York, and his life still hasn't gotten back to normal. Or, a brief snapshot of Peter trying to figure out his relationship with MJ while still very clearly not over everything that's happened to him.
Relationships: Michelle Jones/Peter Parker
Kudos: 8





	feels like a lifetime (just trying to get by)

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this isn't the first fanfic i've ever written, but it's the first one i've ever published on this site, so please be nice to me lmao. now that i'm done with zoom university, i've been going through all my notebooks and typing up all the fics i wrote instead of taking notes in class. i'm pretty new to spideychelle, but it's completely taken over my life, and i couldn't stop thinking about how he would probably try to act like he was totally not suffering from some shitty post-beck trauma in front of mj, so i wrote about it.
> 
> title is from july by noah cyrus because quarantine means 23 hours of my day are spent on tik tok.

“Peter Parker, I might be in love with you,” Michelle said, resting her head on his chest. “Don’t tell anyone, though.”

He laughed, tracing his fingers up and down her back and into her hair. “It’ll be our secret.”

“Good. I have a reputation, you know.”

They both knew what she wasn’t saying: they couldn’t really afford for the world to know about them just yet. Maybe never, if things kept going the way they were. If the world kept hating Spider-Man, kept viewing him as this monster who murdered a hero, then they wouldn’t be able to afford to be known at all. 

So for now, they’ve just had these stolen moments together, laying in her bed in her room at night. Her parents would surely call the police if they ever found out, but that would require them to be around to notice Michelle in the first place. 

Peter pressed a kiss to her forehead, letting his lips linger on her skin. 

“MJ, I promise you, when we get out of this, I’m gonna take you on a real date,” he said, watching her mouth quirk up into the beginnings of a smile. 

“Like in Prague?” she asked, her voice quiet. 

Europe felt like a million years ago now, which seemed ironic considering it seemed like it was going to follow Peter for the rest of his life. He still had these horrible nightmares almost every night -- Beck throwing MJ off the Eiffel Tower over and over again, Beck killing Mr. Stark. Telling him it was Peter’s fault, every single time.

“Pete,” she said, pulling him back to the present. “Where’d you go?”

“Nothing, sorry,” he answered quickly, shaking his head of the images. “It was just --”

“Beck,” she finished, leaning back to look at him. “Are you still having nightmares?”

He hesitated. He hated feeling like he was dumping everything on her, so he tried to hide it when it happened. MJ always seemed to see right through him, though.

“Um,” he started, taking a deep breath. “Yeah, but, um, not so bad. Hardly ever, really. Not something to worry about.”

She rolled her eyes, letting her head fall back against his chest. “Listen, loser. If you’re having nightmares, it’s because you went througha fucking trauma. It’s okay to talk about it. Especially with me.”

Peter sighed. There was a part of him that really did want to tell her each and every single gruesome detail, but it was greatly overshadowed by Beck himself, who refused to leave Peter’s head even when he was awake.

He could see him lurking in the shadows of MJ’s room, leering at him in his stupid costume. She’s gonna laugh at you, Pete, Beck seemed to whisper. She’s gonna pity you.

“I’m okay, Em,” he finally said, pulling away from her slightly. “I think I gotta -- gotta head out, do some patrols.”

He didn’t have to look at her to see her face fall. He felt horrible. He always felt horrible, but it was always this way, a constant cycle. 

He didn’t know how long they could go on like this.

“I’ll, um, see you in school tomorrow, okay?” he offered, grabbing her hand. She smiled at him, but it didn’t reach her eyes. He hated this. “I love you.”

She nodded, sitting up and grabbing a well-worn book from her end table.

“Don’t tell anyone, though,” he tried as he climbed off the bed and began to change into his suit. “I have a rep --”

“Peter Parker, you and I both know that being with me would give you a better reputation,” MJ cut in, finally gracing him with a smirk instead of her usual blank slate. “Now get out of here. I’m tired of you.”

Peter laughed as he began to climb back out of her window. God, he loved her, and he wanted everyone to know. He wanted to hold her hand, if she’d let him, and kiss her without worrying that it would put her in danger. 

Most of all, he wanted to go back to being everyone’s Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man again instead of having half the world believing he was a murderer and a terrorist, all thanks to Beck. He wished Tony were here. He’d know what to do, and then Peter wouldn’t have to figure this out on his own, and May wouldn’t have to worry about him so much.

As he swung from building to building in a city full of millions of people, Peter Parker had never felt so alone.

**Author's Note:**

> in my head, this is part of a much longer universe (that's somewhere in my notebooks) where peter is just completely struggling with the blip/losing tony/beck's mindgames and won't admit it to anyone. i'm always a sucker for mental health angst. 
> 
> reviews are always appreciated!


End file.
